I am about to go to bed.

I have been a little unfriendly this weekend.
It started Friday night after watching the horror movie, not to be confused with the game, based on the game, Silent Hill.
I was kidnapped and forced to go out, ironically ready on 2 minutes notice.
I was researching at the time.

A dawning realisation occured while lamenting at THE PEEL. I am not like every other gay man.
I am alternative, more so that most.
What I others find hot, I find stucko and boring.
What I like, other think are weird or scary.
Before I look for the alternative, student and gothic bars in the city, I have been advised to go to the Liard.
As the big bear that I am, apparently, I would be perfectly suited.

I wonder often the question... I am a bear, or am I a lion.

I should explain that... but tonight, I won't.

What distresses me is, there is a man in my mind, and often thinking about. Armless Dave. And because I have been stirring somewhat and reactions and actions are actually causing results, Armless Dave is being pushed back in the realms of an after thought.

I have already started a very weird and twisted love story - something that has never been put on paper - written as a screen play.
I have also begun a story about two old men and a flower competition and the murder that follow.

I picked up a pen and began to draw tonight.
It is as though I can not face Dave. I have been ignoring him and not taking any of his calls.

I am constantly never finishing anything. Pictures, ideas, stories, interviews, relationships, friendships, shaving (i stop at my goatee thing).
The only time I ever finish anything is when I have a muse working close to me. I thought this is what I am missing.
But its more than a muse.

When I left NZ, I left my heart to a straight man, a gay man and a bisexual. It is a hard froughtt to pick your heart up from pieces when those pieces do not coerlate in the same place.

I sit here in Melbourne. I run away from my problems. I wanted to take a different approach this time around. And it is working. But we are fading in the change.
I am not the same man I once was.
There are less answers as you get older.
I find comfort being alone.
I also find find comfort surrounded by people.
I am an introvert. I am also an extrovert.
All I really want to do is paint a picture in oils, but I do not pick up a brush.
I am losing weight. I would stop smoking if I was not afraid of my sex drive.
The face I see in the mirror sometimes belows to somebody else.
It changes consantly.

Moral of the story:
Never interrupt me when I am researching.

We all lose ourselves the more we have to face reality.

I feel that i have lost a moment where i caould have made a stand against the grain. the bugger all attitude now gone.

I am a defeated colon and cancer is a breath of fire.

Reality burns

I took the test and I am disappointed

You scored as True Neutral. A True Neutral person has two faces- either these people are merely apathetic, preferring to focus their minds on more important things, or these people truly believe in a balance of all things. To these people, there can be no light without some darkness. These people also have no dedication to, or intrinsic distrust of, laws. </td> True Neutral 65% Lawful Evil 60% Neutral Evil 55% Lawful Good 50% Chaotic Good 50% Chaotic Neutral 50% Chaotic Evil 50% Neutral Good 40% Lawful Neutral 30% What is your Alignment? created with QuizFarm.com

You have to apoligise. You were sat down and it was said it needed to be done.

You remember as a five year old stealing a fancy lighter from a friends house.
You put it in your pocket and would not stash it in fear to have it founds. And in front of your mother, it falls out.
Your mother then marches you to friend's house to apoligise for what you have done.

You feel like this now. To keep the peace, you must apoligise.
You know you have done wrong, Saturday night you were in the most evil of moods.
But the guilt builds that somebody knows that you have to do it.

You have a call from your sister Jo. Like you, she is a dyke, not that you are a dyke, far from it.
You prefer frankenfruters better than fish fingers.
And she tells you that everyone at home (NZ) have been talk about you. They have worked out what your problem is...

You have wondered what your problem has been for sometime.

She reachones you need love. Thats how she put it. Find a man, have his man cowder.
And thats the answer.

Would America be such a bully if it found love.
Would have American Pyscho been the book it was if Patrick Bateman had a steady girlfriend?
Would cupid meddle in other peoples lives if he had someone to hold himself?

The answer: probably not.

You disclaim her theory.
And whilst very drunk on Saturday night, you asked to your flatmate if he wanted to be rimmed as you held his leg for steadiness.

What does your sister know that you don't...

I ask myself why I have not been updating my journal.
It is because of this asshole called David J Chance.
He wasn't born with this name.
I have been scripting his memoirs for him as he has no arms... seriously.
And what a life he has led.
Like most of the teenagers from the nineties he has lived most of his life in his head.
However, some of what he has taken from his head and acheived is very, very scary.


I toast to "Armless Dave" and his madness.
Just wait til you meet him.

I am watching my life fly by and keep forgetting to write it down.
This is the new form of a diary, but we live in a world where secrets are praised and not kept.
Let me share a secret.

I have been with 3 married men and 5 engaged men and have destoried each of those relationships.

I know that it isn't an interesting secret, but for each of the these men, I gave them each a secret to have. And the chances, they will keep them. Well, except the first.

So, I am awake, hung over and there is a lime on the bed side table.
And I wonder, why does my mouth taste so bitter...

I should be asleep